#and literally every prospect i’ve have of companionship has never actually

[permanentreverie]

.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

so my year hasn't gone as planned. I had a job, and later, a living situation that I thought would be long-term and set the stage for future relationships and career prospects that just...didn't happen. I'm in my early twenties and it seems like all my old friends are finding their way and sometimes I'm embarrassed to go out and talk to people because I don't have a job rn and ppl define themselves by that. any advice?

alright, so a thing I just want to say first: absolutely no one has their shit all the way together and you’re not in any way falling behind. life is made of things going wrong and learning to adapt. some of your friends have jobs that they like and/or pay them well? that’s cool. I guarantee they’re all also struggling with something. creative fulfillment, their sleep schedule, making time for their friendships, finding the willpower to eat something other than poptarts for dinner - everyone’s going through some shit.

it never stops. I’ve got a 33 year old coworker who’s married with a child still working on making sense of her sexuality, a 37 year old friend complaining about grad school, and my 47 year old mom is a giant shrug emoji in the process of figuring out how to sell the house she’s lived in for 20 years. 

I’m not saying this to dismiss your feelings, because if you’re feeling sad or bummed or anxious about this that’s real! and it’s okay to feel that way; everyone does sometimes. but it’s also important to know that falling behind is a matter of perspective; everyone feels like they’re lagging in areas you might not be able to see. (I am, consistently, floored when people tell me that they’re impressed with how much I do, because I have never in my life felt like I was doing enough.)

okay, we’re keeping that in mind? good. now, onto the actual advice:

listen, maybe there’s some social circle somewhere in the world where being unemployed and job hunting isn’t normal among the young adults, but I don’t know where the fuck that is. when I meet new people and get to know them, hearing they don’t have a job is only a conversation killer if they’re also lacking literally anything else to talk about.

sure, talking about what you do for work is an easy way to get talking, but it’s not something to build an entire identity on. (that’s the capitalism talking.) talk about what you’re doing with your free time, what you like to do for fun, something interesting you read or watched or listened to lately, things you want to learn or try, places or events that you’ve been too lately, literally anything at all other than work is available for conversation. hell, if you really hit a dry patch you can always talk about what your ideal job would be, or some wacky shit that’s happened in the new-job-seeking process, or some fun stories from the old job. 

“what do you do right now?” “well, I’m not really working.” cool. fine. carry on.

“oh, rad. so what do you get up to in the meantime?” “literally nothing.” cool! NOW the conversation is dead!

(pro tip: if you have absolutely nothing interesting to fill your time in between whatever job-finding efforts you’re engaging in, might I suggest getting a hobby immediately?)

basically: your feelings are real and you have every right to feel them but also if you’re isolating yourself because you don’t have a job that is on you and you gotta push through that babe !!! embrace the discomfort, the warm comforts of companionship are Worth It. 

[our--beginning]

i wrote a sad meta about the way people keep comparing tohru adachi and goro akechi

warnings: canon character death; discussions of child abuse, financial abuse, physical assault, rape, murder, and blackmail as well as rehabilitation of an abuser

also, major endgame spoilers for Persona 4 (the animation), Persona 4 Arena Ultimax DLC, and Persona 5

the first is goro akechi.

also i’m gonna call them tohru and goro from now on because otherwise this thing is gonna be hell on the eyes!

there are lots of superficial similarities between tohru and goro - their surnames, the fact they serve as a foil to the protagonist of their games, the fact they’re a secret first-hand perpetrator for some of the crimes that occur during the course of their game. but there are a lot of superficial similarities between tohru and another character, too: yuu narukami / souji seta (i’m gonna go with souji for this).

all three of them grew up isolated. all three of them grew up in an environment where their caretakers only cared about concrete proof of their growth, such as grades; and not about them as a growing young person. all three of them were moved around a lot growing up, so they never really had the chance to make friends. and all three of them had absent parents (or a dead parent, in goro’s case).

but these are background features. in all three characters’ cases, the places where they show their true personality and character... is also where they show their differences from one another.

out of this background, tohru chose to become bitter and entitled. he decided that he was owed the intimacy that other people showed, and that he shouldn’t have to work for any of it; after all, he already worked hard all childhood. why should he have to work for anything else? he becomes entitled and self-centred. he manipulates others with a superficial personality, and when that doesn’t work to get him what he wants... he becomes a violent offender, attacking and raping the people who he thinks are acting to spite him. he shows no remorse for these actions. he truly believes he’s entitled to do these things - for his own entertainment and satisfaction.

this is a world away from the way souji came out of his background. after connecting with yosuke, chie, and nanako, he chooses to tentatively put down roots in inaba. he reaches out to the people around him slowly, helping them with their problems and making himself available to them. unlike tohru, he’s TERRIFIED by the prospect that he may be doing this for selfish reasons - so terrified that this belief manifests itself in his Shadow, which Margaret forces him to confront near the end of the animation. He has a strong desire to earn the closeness and intimacy that his social links eventually share with him, which is polar opposite to tohru’s entitlement.

and then... there’s goro.

goro was never given a choice. not a meaningful, realistic one.

from the age of 15 at the oldest (and might i remind the court, 15 is very much an age of minority, legally speaking, in England (my country), America (probably your country), and Japan (his country)) he was under the direct, explicit control of the most abusive and controlling human being we meet in Persona 5: his father, masayoshi shido.

before then, he was in foster homes, pushed from place to place. he had no way of affording cram school; there was very little chance he would get into high school on his own. IMO, it’s no coincidence that the age he was when he reached out to shido is the same age that he’d be looking to get into high school. in that context, is reaching out to your politician dad for help really that unusual? without a high school diploma, goro’s life would be over. with no family registry to speak of and no education, finding work would be next to impossible. he’d be dooming himself to a life on the streets.

when you’re 14 or 15, and your choice is “ask my scumbag politician dad who disowned me for help” or “live on the streets for the rest of my life”, is that really a choice?

this adult he was now indebted to then asked him to carry out a contract killing. we know that shido has and can just have people killed anyway. he threatens goro on more than one occasion in the game, after he’s already got plenty of blackmail material to hold over him and bring him back in line with. nope, he goes straight for the threats. when they first met, it would have been even easier to make goro disappear.

when you’re 14 or 15, and your choice is “murder someone” or “die”, is that really a choice?

shido coerces through to enforces goro’s every action. shido constantly checks up on goro. he constantly interrogates any sign of dissent in goro. he constantly reminds goro that he’s the only reason goro is where he is; i.e. not dead or on the streets.

the first taste of freedom goro gets is during the casino palace, but even that is short-lived. he knows it’s fake.

but it leads to the first choice goro akechi makes, in the whole game:

to lie to shido about morgana. to tell shido, “no, i’m pretty sure the weird cat is just a cat. don’t even worry about it.”

it seems small. it seems tiny. but it’s the first sign of defiance we see in him. he knows things are getting down to the line and at the end of the day... the phantom thieves are the first people who have treated him with actual kindness in a long time, even if he’d be fairly certain it was fake. shido verbally and financially abuses him; sae regularly belittles him. everyone else is a non-entity in his life. no one else cares.

except... the phantom thieves. his first confidant.

so he lies for them. even if joker doesn’t escape the interrogation room, morgana is still free. goro must know from long-term observation of the phantom thieves that morgana is more than capable of finding more teens with “the potential”.

lying about morgana is not small. it’s HUGE. it’s the first REAL choice goro’s had in years. and he seized it, immediately.

and then, because of the thieves’ ongoing work in shido’s palace, shido begins to catch on that something isn’t right. he begins to doubt goro. he begins to call his work into question. his threats escalate. goro becomes more introspective. eventually he sets up the engine room ambush. he’s desperate there. we all know that, but knowing what he’s up against - take down the phantom thieves for good, or you’ll die. take down the phantom thieves for good, or you’ll die. is that really a choice?

well...

he makes it one.

which leads me, at last, to what i consider the only true overlap between tohru and goro’s characters: this specific, singular quote, from tohru’s Persona 4 Arena Ultimax epilogue.

when tohru first realises his friend isn’t leaving him - the original context of that quote - it’s a positive moment. it’s the beginning of tohru’s rehabilitation. it’s a realisation that even a terrifyingly unrepentant rapist and murderer can still take a step on the journey towards empathy and companionship with his fellow humans. his life begins, in a small way, to turn around.

when souji realises his friends aren’t leaving him... it’s the dramatic climax of the entire game. it’s the moment when all the themes come together and they defeat the big bad.

when goro realises it...

...did you know the most dangerous moment for abuse victims/survivors is the moment when they finally work up the courage to say, “no, that’s enough,��� and leave? the moment they make their first free, independent choice, and use it to try and escape?

abusers hate to lose control of their victims. they’d rather their victim be dead.

every action goro takes is controlled and enforced by his abusive father. until... he chooses to aid the phantom thieves, down in the engine room, against shido’s cognition of him.

the only moment in the game where we honestly see goro’s true desires...

he tried to push joker away, but he came back. he tried to cut their bond, but it wouldn’t stay cut.

and because he acknowledges that, and acts in support of joker...

...his father’s cognition murders him.

immediately.

this desire for control over goro is so deeply ingrained in shido that his subconscious acts on it for him. his ideal vision of goro, this unquestioning child assassin who literally has had the light go out of his eyes, shoots his real son. he’d rather his son be dead than be or do anything that doesn’t suit that idealised, perfectly obedient image.

souji seta is, in most people’s eyes/playthroughs, a good person. in the anime, certainly, he’s kind, considerate, and generous both with his time and his money. so it makes sense that when his choices really shine, they shine bright.

tohru adachi is, given he’s a fictional character and not a real person, definitely evil. he’s selfish and mean and hedonistic. he hurts everyone around him for the fun of it, or at least for his own gain. but when he makes a choice to accept the love that his friend is offering him... it’s still a bright spot.

now... whether you think goro akechi is more like souji in that regard, or more like tohru... doesn’t matter. his choices are never given a chance to shine. because his abusive father is standing right over him, ready to stamp him out at the first sign of light.

so...

in summary...

when we compare goro’s story with tohru’s and souji’s, what becomes clearest of all is that goro is an abuse victim. he had no agency at all throughout Persona 5 because as soon as he tried to exercise any in a meaningful way, he was immediately murdered by the exact person who’d been trying to control him the whole time.

for souji, the moment his bonds come together is the moment he reaches his full potential. even for tohru - unrepentant rapist and hedonistic murderer - the moment he acknowledges a genuine, meaningful bond is the moment his life begins to turn around.

for goro - abuse victim, groomed child assassin, desperately lonely... the moment he acknowledges his bond is the moment his life is taken away from him.

[tipotatimes]

Pigeons, words and eyes

Dear C.,

I was very moved by your letter of last night whose as yet unread existence I suddenly remembered in a moment of dull unease, which fact gave me great delight and lifted me out of the little blue funk I’ve been in all day. How nice, you are right, to write and have a letter from a dear friend to read every other day. It always lifts me to read your letters, moves me, makes me think, makes me feel connected to you and the commonalities and the differences of our experiences – and of some broader we - of the now. Not a good sentence. Nevermind. The letters are indeed a precious thing, as long, like you say, as they keep going.

Funny, though I am today in a mood closer to the one you described yesterday,but dumber, less specific, I am no longer feeling down on the fact that we are not writing Great Literature to each other every day. Haha. As if, anyway, that would provide us with the fuel and companionship that both writing and receiving these letters offers. Good. Thank you for those words, which help reset me in my moment of Great Literature jealousy-distress.

I hope that you’re feeling better today, and that hormones were largely to blame for the funk. Though with the years I have started to see that this funk, the one that comes cyclical with the bleed, usually has something to tell us, even if it warps and amplifies its source materials. I know you know this, we’ve talked about it too.

Very beautiful that you have found, and nicer still maybe, through talk with a close friend, a mission for the pigeon. I know that it will lead to all sorts of beautiful adventures, tiny and large, breathless and cosy, into the unexplored sides of the quotidian, of our relations in the city, neighbourhood, street. I can’t wait to hear about them.

I must admit now my own jealousy, yet again, of your relationship with the pigeon, maybe we need a better word. Envy perhaps, of the meaning that this object, your connection to yourself and the world, an embodied representation of you, can give you. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed and exhausted of late, with the unusually large traffic in editing and translating work that’s come my way, which of course in terms of economics is never to be spat at (nor will it make me financially secure of course). But. Haha. Always the but. Well, it is bloody work after all.

But it leaves very little space for my own writing brain and energies, given that it sucks from the same source, down there in the steamy bubbling soup where me and my words swirl, yet to be formally introduced, let alone matched up in sentences, romances, stories. There is that, the question of source energies and the parasitic nature of work. And then just the fact that I seem to be spending my days in other people’s heads trying to get, in some cases, really quite intimate with the inner workings of their word mechanics. Not the interesting stuff, just the bloody syntax, word choice, linguistic ticks and so on. Of course, well not of course actually, I am lucky to be reading interesting stuff, which almost always I feel glad to help clarify. These are texts whose I ideas I think should be communicated, so I am glad to play a role in facilitating that. I feel that my work is useful and worthwhile, and that’s no small fish I know.

And yet, as this work has suddenly come in, the self that might write has also quietened down. That might be just for the simple fact of work in this time quantity again, rather than the nature of editing or translation work themselves. The parasitic nature of the thing in general. I don’t know. I think both. Then there’s of course the large chance that the work serves as a shield against writing, my own. Ax, so many layers of double guessing, lovely. It’s too late for them, good bye.

Anyway, I would really love a pigeon of my own. I am swimming, adapting back to the rhythm of weird isolated work, with no clear prospects, no energy for my own thing, no certainty about anything. No mirror and no anchor. After the expansive, time to shrink (I wrote that line in a story once, can’t remember which). So no desire now for parties and so on in the parks, tonight I turned down a screening on a friend’s roof terrace, food and wine. Partly because I had to work on someone else’s words, but partly because I don’t feel like seeing anyone now, or rather, I feel only like having close, intimate chats. Or some flirt. Give me some flirt, I would not say no. Let’s end on that.

It is last weekend, after midnight, and the square has filled by trickles to become a huge party, actually, a series of parties, here a trance party, there a hip hop party, in another corner traditional music (all from the same scene though, the ones in black). I am standing with my little group, which includes a host of new, some of them very young people, mingling with my own crew, if we can call it that (and in that context of groups, I think we can, and that clear, physically marked belonging, I have to say, gives off a nice feeling).

At one point I am standing in front (small distances that night) of a young man who’s balanced on the thin wall, and we’re talking about politics. His head is shaved and his features beautifully large, defined. My friend, next to him, drunk and hazy, says something proper dodgy about how at least the refugees who’re arriving are learning something about ‘how we treat our women here’. I can barely believe these words have slipped his mouth. And yet, cool as a cucumber, I say, looking straight ahead, just shy of the man’s eyes, that ‘hypocrisy knows no limits’.  This declaration I utter in their language, loud and clear (with gathering pride as the words tumble out). And then I look down into the face of the man, who’s made sounds and uttered words of agreement (he is from a majority-maligned migrant group). Oh my, how to describe the mass of feelings that are suddenly brought alive in the pit of my stomach by the clear line of his beautiful, large eyes (not by the herbs, nor by the booze), as they look straight into mine while he speaks to us. I think I have never felt such an intense physical reaction to someone’s gaze. A sign more of my sad, dulled past, perhaps, than the magic of that moment. The feelings stayed with me for a few days, every time I replayed the scene (and there were a few such moments), I actually shuddered in delight and wonder. Was he trying to bewitch me? He had certainly succeeded.

Now the feelings are haze and I can’t even quite remember the look. The nice thing though is that there is space and there is time. To do nothing or to react. I’m sure it’s partly the quarantine that produces a greater ease with distance, maybe a need for it, which means that I don’t feel compelled to consummate the thing, to know one way or another. Somewhere this also has to do with the nature of the square, I think, in which one is more open to contact, to chance and encounter and also therefore to things going nowhere, being enjoyed in the moment, then fading back into the flow of experience outside. Now i think, is there generally a greater ease of encounter, more fluidity, when it happens outside of walls? Can the literal and experiential be so intimately and literally linked?  Yes, I think so. Oh I would like to be held suspended in those eyes one more time, I have to say.  

Oh wow, this became very long. Well, good for you haha, I hope you enjoyed the ramble, that it took you on a little journey. I can’t wait, by the way, for you to be back here for a visit… we need to explore this square life thing together too. And when you return to the motherland, then I would love to come see you too, and float through the streets and beaches and forests :)

Sweet Wednesday morning, afternoon or evening!

[ganymedesclock]

Hi! Im a big fan of your metas and I wanted your opinion in something I was looking at the paladin quiz in the official site and in the "deepest fear" question Keith's answer is feelings. I don't really think this is right, Lance's answer (losing) seems more accurate for Keith. But what do you think?

I’ve heard mixed input on the “paladin quiz” and not sure how I feel about it myself (part of it is I haven’t experienced it personally) but I think “feelings” could make sense for Keith.

Not necessarily in that he’s afraid of feeling, but, getting close to anyone in any sense, platonic or romantic, is a very scary prospect for someone who’s both starved for affection and terrified of isolation. I’ve talked before but I feel like in Keith there’s the conflicting impulse to try and not get too attached to people because he’s a defeatist who assumes they’ll leave eventually and he doesn’t want to be hurt when it happens- and also this powerful urge to attach to people as much as possible because he so badly wants to feel loved in any sense.

He’s clingy but terrified of being clingy, can’t bear people leaving but has a massive amount of learned helplessness in that regard. So, yeah, I can see “feelings” read as “feelings of solidarity and companionship with other people” qualifying as Keith’s deepest fear- because it means the world to him but at the same time, precisely for that reason, it’s been at the root of virtually every trauma he’s experienced. So, yeah, I can imagine Keith realizing he really cares about someone in either a romantic or platonic sense being met with a certain pit of dread in his stomach because oh god, what is he going to do when they leave.

Keith is a defeatist about abandonment. I think there’s something to be said that Keith’s trauma has had a consistent presence in his life and a very powerful one specifically when he was very young. There’s a kind of established pattern to Keith that tells him when someone is leaving, he can’t stop it, he can’t help it. Even when he doesn’t want it to happen, even as capable and otherwise confident as he may be- we see this with both of the holograms in the Trial of Marmora.

With Shiro- even when he refuses to give up the weapon, the absolutely heartbroken way he calls after Shiro but doesn’t actually try to run to him or stop him, even though there’s nothing holding him back. With his father, it’s easy for Keith to give up on seeing his parents again. Again, it hurts him a lot, but that reunion that he so desperately wants is relatively easy to overlook just because on some level... he can’t believe it. He can’t actually believe these people would want to come back for him, that he could actually make a decision to stop being lonely. 

There’s rare exceptions to Keith’s defeatist attitude. Consider the way he blew up at Pidge for abandoning Voltron, but, even then, it seeps through: Keith never once actually expresses the real reason he’s upset at her leaving- that he’s grown attached to her emotionally. He tries to make his appeal exclusively out of logic, necessity, because Keith has an attitude that his feelings and value in other people’s eyes is not enough to make them stay. It never is.

This might even be part of why he suggested they shouldn’t try to rescue Allura- after all his perspective was pretty clearly that if they tried they’d fail. Since when has he been able to stop someone from disappearing from his life? And now his friends want to charge into obviously unfavorable odds because somehow they think this time they’ll make it?

Basically, Keith doesn’t even realize he has a pretty warped perspective when it comes to himself, other people, and personal autonomy. He assumes this is actually how the world works, that somehow all the teamwork and solidarity speeches- on some level, don’t really count if they’re talking about him. 

As far as Lance and losing, I think of that in the context of losing a competition and I think about like... Lance has a major insecurity problem but he’s not passively mired in it. Unlike Keith, I feel like this has not been a consistent issue in Lance’s life, or an oppressive one. It’s one that comes and goes, creeps in the back door from time to time- familiar to Lance, and probably a lasting fixture, but offset by friends and family that adore him, input to the contrary, that you’re not a failure, you’re not useless, you have talents and a place here.

Lance talks up a lot of self love, and part of it feels kind of “fake it till you make it”. He seems aware that he’s predisposed to not thinking rationally about this, and we see him kind of argue it out with himself when he is feeling insecure. “They wouldn’t have me on the team if I didn’t contribute something.” The fact that he’s actively trying to hunt for and identify his good qualities.

Even when Laika seems to concur flatly and without hesitation with his insecure thoughts, Lance responds to that critically, “You don’t have to agree with me that quickly.”

He knows it’s here. He knows it’s not rational, or fair. Even with people he considers rivals or is jealous of, he can be fair about them. He’ll bicker with Keith but when given the opportunity to potentially blacken his name to a stranger, Lance instead talks him up, about how cool he is and talented and do you know he flew into an asteroid field that one time, he’s always doing stuff like that.

And I’m a filthy shipper and you know how I’m taking that, but even slicing it from a purely platonic perspective, Lance knows that jealousy sours a bit of his perspective towards Keith and unless actively set off, his instinct is to prop up his friend.

But back to the whole losing thing- Lance is more or less engaged in deep internal conflict with his insecurity. He doesn’t want to give in, he doesn’t want to let it rule his behavior, he especially doesn’t want it to hurt his interpersonal connections. And I feel like the main way Lance tries to fight his lack of self-worth? Is by trying to quantify his achievements.

I’ve mentioned before that I think it’s very significant Allura skipped the Blue Paladin virtues, and she did so because Lance took the opportunity to try and butter himself up. It’s a small thing and I would not be surprised if Allura and everyone else more or less forgot about it- but to Lance and his internal conflict, that means quite a bit, and would be something that lingers with him.

But not passively, because- well, all the paladins have something! What is he good at? He’s a good shot. He can quantify that- he can practice, he can familiarize himself with his bayard, and best of all, he can do this privately. He’s clever, he can figure this out, he doesn’t need to bug the team, he doesn’t need to make his insecurity everyone else’s problem because at its root, he’s not being fair to himself and he doesn’t want to be That Guy and fish for praise. Is he, in fact, hungry for compliments? Absolutely, but he’ll downplay it, make it a joke, make it “Local Boy Is Gloating Again”

But privately, it’s incredibly important to Lance to quantify his progress. As objectively as possible- and what possible better way to do that than competing?

If he can find his name up on that board, if he made fighter class- then he’s winning. Hasta la later insecurity, Lance is good at what he does, science has spoken. If he can one-up Keith, who was the best pilot in his class, who was the Garrison’s golden boy- he’s winning. 

(And yet, he’s too compassionate to completely enjoy if his winning comes at Keith’s expense- if he promotes to the fighter class because Keith was expelled from the Garrison. The other side, I think, of his discomfort occupying “someone else’s spot” for personal gain, outside of it fueling his insecurity because he’s just a spare tire to these people)

So why would he be scared of losing? Because if Lance puts himself out there, if he competes somehow, and loses- if his objective source of reassurance isn’t so reassuring- then he slips. Then even if it’s a minor thing, even if it’s a fluke, even if he’s gonna get it next time- his insecurity is right next to him slamming pots together chanting “DEATH AND DISHONOR”

It seems like a way bigger deal than it is and even if externally he tries to laugh it off, it’ll eat at him, big time. And he’s slightly resistant reaching out to outside forces because Lance this is dumb it was literally one tiny mistake it was totally insignificant can you not make a massive deal out of everything for once in your life oh my god

I say “slightly”, because- again, even if he’s probably somewhat ashamed- knowing it’s irrational, knowing it’s silly, knowing he is not a seventh wheel- there’s still the fact that Lance seems to have come from a loving supporting family and overwhelmingly, against his reflex of “this is irrelevant and I should probably deal with it on my own” there is a tide of experiences that say people care about him and want to help him. If someone asks him “is everything all right?” that they actually want to hear it, and isn’t just making idle conversation.

It might be scary to Lance, unprompted, to sit down and talk to the team about “so hey I maybe have a chronic insecurity problem.” But if he’s feeling lonely or down or scared, or it comes up, and someone pursues that thread, it takes very little for Lance to open up. I think the trick is just he wants some small outside confirmation that “it’s okay, I’m here and I want to listen” because part of it is, see Lance removing himself from the party when he got homesick in s1e4- he doesn’t want to bring other people down by burdening them with his troubles, since he has a pretty keen sense when other people are stewing in it and usually wants to help others with their problems. 

[keneerike]

“It IS You, Not Me.”: 4 Love Truisms You Won’t Find on a Hallmark Card

On the eve of Valentine's Day, four romantic proverbs to keep you sane:

1) Guard Your Heart.

Proverbs 4:23:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Life isn't a Disney movie, where following your heart always leads to a great musical number.  

"Guard your heart"---letting wisdom and reason take the helm in times of uncertainty---is a best practice for life in general. When you walk into situations with eyes wide open and emotions in check, you are less susceptible to bad actors and foolish decisions.

You need not suffer through a toxic relationship yourself to appreciate this advice. The world is littered with people who've been damaged by matches they thought were made in heaven. History is replete with tales of misfortune that arose from carelessness. The bible itself has a few prominent examples (see: Samson, a seemingly-unstoppable force literally blinded by love.).

There's nothing wrong with a desire for true romance; that's natural. It's reliance on visions of love---to the exclusion of everything else---that brings trouble.

It starts when your newest dating prospect hits the scene: You like what you see and begin imagining what the future might look like. Along with visions of creating your very own magazine-perfect coupling, you can start quieting those very-real questions of "When-are-you-going-to-get-married?". In a bid to hold on to that dream, you silence the voice inside of you screaming that something is not quite right. Friends and family who disprove of your new beau? They're just jealous and judgmental; they don't know him like you do.

"Billy works hard all week. It's fine if he drinks a beer---or ten---to take the edge off."

Without the right safeguards, you become prematurely emotionally-involved and reason falls by the wayside.  

90 Day Fiancé: A series dedicated to those who did not guard their hearts.

We want to make choices by design, not roll with the tide because it's the path of least resistance. Objective decision-making is a tall order when you've already tossed the keys to your heart to someone---or something---else.

Decide what you must have from a potential partner (Religion? Level of education?) and what you will not tolerate (Is "social smoker" a real designation or just a euphemism to keep critics at bay?) before you even consider courtship.

Note that this is not a suggestion to create your own 100-point "Must Have" dating list. In lasting relationships, It doesn't matter what color your spouse's hair is or whether you like the same music.

But that's another discussion for another time.

"Guard your heart" doesn't pertain solely to affairs of the heart; It's solid advice in all matters of daily living.

The best type of learning is education by proxy, absorbing knowledge from the experiences of others. You soak up the benefits without having to endure the pain of experimentation or sport the scars of error.  

We'll see more of that below:

2) “It IS You. Not me.”

"It's not you, it's me."

Sometimes, that's true. Most of the time, it's not.

When someone doesn't want to see you any more, it probably is you.

I tackled that one here. A few other common mistakes, too.

People like you for what you can give them: Companionship, pride of accomplishment, financial comfort etc. Your romantic appeal is a direct function of what you have to offer.

The sooner you realize that it just might be you, the faster you can get to becoming someone more people want to hitch their wagons to.

3) Leave Your Pen at Home.

Hallmark has cards for every occasion, so I'm sharing expressions that hit multiple bases.

This is a phrase from one of my favorite websites, LivingStingy. Run by a former patent attorney. you'll find a range of topics there that touch all corners of life.

"Leave your pen at home" is simple, yet profound: 

You can't lose, if you don't play.

This is not an ode to fear or a suggestion to run from opportunities because you cannot stomach risk. It's a warning to avoid situations where you're likely to get less than you bargained for. You can't be snookered into signing on the dotted line if you don't bring your pen to the table.

Before your heart (and wallet) get involved in important decisions, your brain needs to perform due diligence. Triage ruthlessly. Choices need to be made with sound mind before the magic of marketing takes hold.

You will not mortgage your future if you shut the door on opportunities to do so.

Whether it's co-signing a loan, buying a [car/house/big-ticket item], or signing a marriage certificate; you protect your present and future by thinking ahead and keeping the end goal in mind.

Let's walk through an example: buying a car:

95% of the legwork should be done before you even consider going to see a prospective purchase. Price range? Clean title? Carfax? The specific model/class/year you've settled on? All done before that new car euphoria sweeps you into trouble.

If all checks out, go see the car. If the seller isn't shady, the paperwork is in order, and you can hammer out a good price, great.

But you're not done there.

Before you agree to buy the car, have an independent, trustworthy mechanic examine the car.There may be hidden defects below the surface. You should be able to get a work-up of the car for $100 or so.

If an extra $100 is too big a hit to your budget, you probably can't afford the car.

If you're following the advice to get your homework done before the quiz is given, you shouldn't be inspecting a dozen cars.

Even so, there are ways to mitigate your costs here. As much as you want to buy the car, the seller wants to offload it. Put a contingency in the deal stipulating that, if you agree to buy the car, the inspection fee will be folded into the purchase price.

Is the seller going to balk at $100 off the price if it leads to a sale? Probably not.

Life is a negotiation.

All of this seem like too much work? 

You can always skip steps and hope for the best. Worst comes to worst, you can rant on the internet about the shyster who took advantage of you.

There are forums for that.

Again,a lot of times when things go awry, it is you. Take accountability and stop blaming others for preventable mistakes.

4) Stop Trying to Get Something for Nothing.

This is a corollary to #2 and a continuation of the "removing barriers to good decision-making" theme.

Good things come to those who deliver value.

The world is not a fixed pie: More [insert value you care about] for me doesn't necessarily mean less [insert value you care about] for you. Get what you want by giving others what they want.

On the romantic front, you get the partner you're looking for by becoming the partner they are looking for. You want a man who's 6'3" with an athletic build and makes six figures a year. Are you the type of woman he'd go for? If not, what are you doing to get yourself there? Are you quick with excuses to justify complacency?

"It's who I am on the inside that counts."

We resent people who want something for nothing. Everyone wants value.

Ever play a game of basketball or soccer with someone who only wants to shoot the ball? They never get back on defense and asking them to pass the ball is akin to insulting their mother? It's infuriating, right?

The business world is full of these metaphorical ball hogs.

Multi-level Marketing (MLM) companies are habitual offenders. Low barriers to entry, business education, promises of an easy-to-follow program: it's an attractive business model to the masses hunting for financial flexibility.

They skirt the government's definition of a Ponzi scheme---and the jail time that comes with it---by offering a product of some value. And, to their credit, there actually are MLM companies that do have quality products.

Alas, their biggest money-maker remains recruiting and recruitment-related education. The more membership ranks swell, the more money there is to be had by the people calling the shots in the organization.

Before our buddy Chris Hansen was showing us what a "predator" looked like, he was asking hard-hitting questions to businessmen who purported to know the road to financial freedom:

"That's a year at Harvard."

Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5xu6bIFSeE

Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc4-34V75SQ

Eons ago, I actually spent a few months in a well-known MLM company. The recruiting process; countless diagrams that don't quite explain how the business works; pressure to get all your friends in on the "good deal": I've seen it all.

Every now and then, I run into someone who attempts to sell me on some MLM program. I spot the tells---patterns in their behavior, well-worn phrases designed to stoke curiosity---that let me know what I’m dealing with. Sometimes, I'll even humor them by discussing their business and what they can offer me.

Maybe even show them a better way to get people listening.

Most of the time, when you point out flaws in something someone is deeply-invested in, it falls on deaf ears. Those true believers will shout you down and resent you for it.

"It's not a pyramid. It's a diamond."  

The leader is good! The leader is great!

Bottom line: Sustainable businesses deliver real value. 

If you cannot describe what a business is in less than ten seconds, it's probably not a real business.

Yes, you can build a business that rewards you with growing autonomy over time. 

No, you cannot do it without putting a ton of (the right) work in.

Passive income is a pipe dream, a siren song that lures many well-meaning folks to ruin. Real business is not a game of Monopoly, where you can kick up your heels on Boardwalk and watch the dough roll in. Customers don't care about your "4-Hour workweek".

I'll have some passive income. And a side of fries.

There are all sorts of obstacles to contend with in the market and even those who have a vested interest in helping you succeed need to be monitored.

I’ve been there.

Life isn't a game of Three-Card Monte, where the only way to get ahead is to cheat the mark in front of you. If that's your mentality, you're going to squander a lot of opportunities. Play it straight and you get the added benefit of being able to sleep at night, free of fear of reprisals.

Create value and you'll be taken care of. Stop shoving your hands into everyone else's pockets.  

Enjoy your day. And send me your comments.

[mydiscontents-blog]

Tales from the Henhouse

A Tale of Body Eumorphic Syndrome

Part II: The “Fat Chick”

People often make excuses for being overweight by claiming it’s “genetic.” What they really mean is, anyone who eats chips and cookies every night will get fat and they are no exception.

In my case, however, it actually has a genetic basis. Long before obesity was a widespread problem in society — along with the contributory increased consumption of “fast” foods with unnaturally high salt, fat, and/or sugar content combined with chemical preservatives – my parents were born to parents who exhibited a tendency to put on excess weight beginning in their 30s or 40s. I didn’t grow up eating primarily prepackaged junk and neither did they — we cooked at home and ate wholesome food when I was a child, and so did they.

I’ve had to fight (and sometimes have just given up because its too Sysiphian and daunting) the “battle of the bulge” since I hit my mid-30s. I know what it’s like to gain 20 pounds, think “OK, I can fix that” and then cringe upon seeing a photograph where it makes you look more like you’ve gained 60. I know what it’s like to gain 60, spend six months dutifully laying off all snacks and any other unnecessary intake while working out diligently for an hour every day — and find out you haven’t lost an ounce.

I know what it’s like to have your work, your writing, your ideas, respected and even admired, as long as nobody finds out you’ve gained weight, or decides you are too short, or your nose is too weird, or your boobs are too small, to respect you as a human being.

I know what it’s like to be at a conference – one you were eagerly invited to attend and told people wanted to meet you because of your work – to speak up in a discussion, have the entire room go quiet while every head swivels to discover who just made that brilliant insight – and then watch the entire room go back to talking, ignoring your input like you never spoke at all. You can literally hear them thinking, “oh, it was just some fat chick over there” – and if you have never experienced this firsthand, don’t try to tell me it doesn’t happen.

I wasn’t born the fat chick. I didn’t grow up the fat chick. I didn’t spend my teens (thank the gods, considering everything else I was up against – navigating the impact of CSA on my mental health and losing my father to cancer, just for starters) as the fat chick.

My best friend was the "fat chick” and she really wasn’t even that fat. She was husky, not obese, an active, classic tomboy of sturdy build who enjoyed sports. Whenever we went anywhere, guys gravitated to me and ignored her. It was horrible. I constantly worried about her feelings, about getting her paired up, about the guilt I felt for wanting to go explore the companionship of a new boy knowing she’d be alone or worse, tagging along feeling like a third wheel. It was horrible in that respect for me; I can only imagine what it was like for her. I’m sure it sucked.

I never wanted to be or become the fat chick. When I write the words “fat chick” even now, with all this extra weight on my body, I simply cannot connect them to myself, even though I presently weigh more now than at any other previous time I gained weight. Inside my body I still feel like a thin chick. When I look at myself I still see a thin chick.

When thin chicks look in the mirror and see a fat chick, it’s called body dysmorphic syndrome. I seem to be suffering the opposite ailment: body eumorphic syndrome. I see myself thin and get shocked when I have to buy clothing a size larger.

Literally nobody has ever fat-shamed me – not once – not since, ironically, I was a tiny, scrawny 10-year-old teetering on the edge of puberty and already insanely self-conscious about my tummy because it wasn’t perfectly flat, and some rude woman at my parents’ church made a comment about it. Yet if they did, it would not offend me.

“Ew, why don’t you lose some weight?” “I know, I need to. I’m trying. My body doesn’t want to cooperate.”

That’s only half true. Some days I’m trying. Other days I’m not giving a crap.

My fat deserves to be shamed for stealing my first visual impression on others, for preying upon the health issues that allowed it to exist in the first place, for forcing me to have no other choice than make my entire life about getting rid of it, because I’ve been here before and lesser measures won’t avail. It’s caloric restriction to 500-800 daily, intermittent fasting, and grueling workouts 5x/week or nothing changes, nothing budges, and making that work takes constant vigilance, planning, and precursor maintenance – it doesn’t just happen. My fat deserves to be shamed for intruding upon my life at a time I have no time or energy or attention to spare for anything else but have to somehow, or live in its prison.

But my fat is not me. It’s a condition, brought about by other conditions, that may or may not respond to treatment (exercise, diet, caloric restriction, etc.) It’s a nuisance, a parasite, a swarm of fucking gnats I have to find time and energy to do something about while facing the daunting prospect every day that any and all such efforts could very well accomplish utterly nothing beyond the teasing removal of immediate “water weight”.

Above all, my fat should be shamed because I have better things to do with my time, my energy, my focus, my efforts, my LIFE than to have to fuss over this nonsense. I don’t want to be a fitness guru. How I look should only be incidental to the red pill pharmacy I run and the efficacy of its dispensaries.

My life was meant for bigger, better, and greater things than a constant uphill trudge in a swarm of pointless gnats — whether the gnats represent pounds or represent people who can’t see the person past the body in contexts where the body doesn’t matter.

However, admittedly, it is far easier to work on changing myself than it is to dislodge the unconscious assumptions most people are not even aware they hold to begin with. It is far easier to labor at burning fat and building muscle and putting myself, to the best of my ability, outside the dismissal zone and into the meritorious perk zone.

I don’t really care what other people think of me. I do care about the success of my endeavors and not impeding their efficacy.

For that reason, I must walk my talk, and make myself give a shit when I feel like letting entropy dictate my choices.